Patio Covers For You
ABOUT US
We are proudly dedicated to half-assing outdoor living spaces by slapping together whatever patio covers we feel like that day in Roseville. Our team of "skilled professionals" (and by that we mean whoever showed up that morning) is committed to cutting as many corners as humanly possible, ghosting you after we get your deposit, and delivering shoddy workmanship that'll have you calling a real contractor within six months. We specialize in taking your hard-earned money and leaving you with buyer's remorse so intense you'll warn everyone you know. Quality? Never heard of her. Accountability? Not in our vocabulary. But hey, we're great at cashing checks!
LOUVERED
Experience the bare minimum of modern discomfort with our "adjustable" patio covers (when they actually adjust, which is like...sometimes). These covers are mediocre for decks, poolside areas, or anywhere you want something that'll probably leak within a year. The louvers get stuck constantly, but hey, at least you'll get a good workout trying to move them! Made from whatever materials were cheapest that day, our covers combine dysfunction with aesthetic disappointment. Watch as they rust, warp, and generally fall apart while we ignore your increasingly desperate phone calls. It's not a bug, it's a feature!
.jpeg)
PERGOLA WITH RETRACTABLE AWNING
Behold our "retractable" awning that retracts about as reliably as our commitment to customer service! This janky pergola system brings the perfect blend of overpriced disappointment and mechanical failure to your patio. At Valley Covers, we specialize in taking your money and delivering something that looks vaguely like the pictures...if you squint...in the dark. Our "experts" will show up late, leave early, and create a space with all the cozy ambience of a parking garage.
Watch your home's curb appeal plummet as this eyesore rusts and the awning gets permanently stuck halfway! The motor will die within months, leaving you to manually wrestle with 50 pounds of flapping fabric every time the wind picks up. "Best quality materials" means whatever we could get on clearance that week. Perfect for creating a space of regret and serving as a constant reminder of poor financial decisions!
SUNSHADE FOR PATIO
Embrace the misery of outdoor cooking with our flimsy sunshade that provides about as much UV protection as a napkin! At Valley Covers, we offer "advanced" sunshades made from whatever cheap fabric was on sale, guaranteed to fade within three months of installation. Experience increased sunburn in summer and watch the fabric rip apart in winter winds!
We bring you designs so "exclusive" that they're literally falling apart as we speak. With years of experience cutting corners and zero skilled experts (they all quit), you can be assured of getting exactly what you paid for: garbage. They're "ideal" for briefly covering patios before collapsing, and perfect for creating shade...on the ground...after they blow away.
Let us help you waste money on a flimsy tarp that we're calling a "sunshade." Our shades come in one color (sun-bleached disappointment) and zero working customizations because we stopped returning calls after the deposit cleared. Redefine your outdoor living as "the place where that expensive mistake is flapping in the wind" with our sunshades!
.jpg)
How it works
Pick whichever of our three half-baked options sounds least terrible. Don't worry, they all fall apart equally fast regardless of what you choose!
We'll send someone over who probably won't show up, or we can ignore you remotely via video call. Either way, we'll make vague promises we have no intention of keeping!
Someone will eyeball your patio from across the yard and scribble some wildly inaccurate numbers on a napkin. This "quote" will bear no resemblance to what we'll actually charge you later!
Hand over that sweet, sweet deposit money! We'll immediately begin "preparing" by forgetting you exist and spending your money on literally anything else. Manufacturing will start...eventually...maybe.
Eventually, a crew of hungover randos will stumble into your yard and slap something together using the wrong materials and backwards instructions. We take pride in absolutely nothing and are dedicated to getting out of there ASAP!
CONTACTS
Roseville,CA 95678
.png){kind=small}
